Post your jokes here

This is the funniest gas-saving motorcycle I've ever seen in my entire life!!!! :lol:

Click here:
http://www.rvi.net/~mdhorban/hybridmotorcycle.htm

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, erased it and then proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board - each day's word written larger than the previous day's word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words:

"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!" :shock: :lol:

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere..... but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary "Some where I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" . So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

Red Skelton was great!

How real men cook BBQ:

It is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

• Routine:
  
  1) The woman buys the food.
  
  2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
  
  3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
  
  Here comes the important part:
  
  4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
  
  More routine....
  
  5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
  
  6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
  
  Important again:
  
  7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
  
  More routine.....
  
  8.) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
  
  9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
  
  And most important of all:
  
  10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
  
  11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

[News Dud]

Check out why illegal immigrants are now applying to work for the U.S. Border Patrol. :roll:

click here :roll:

[News Dud]

So you want to get rid of illegal immigration??? America, you had better think twice about that!!! Click here to find out why!!! :shock: :lol:

Down here in the south

If you are going to live or visit in the South, you need to know
these rules.

1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a "gravel road". No matter how slow you drive,
you're going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get out
of the way.

3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the
color don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent.

4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years
old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for -- bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making
their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.

8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

9. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is
sweet. You want it hot -- sit it in the sun. You want it
unsweetened -- add a lot of water.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and
served over ice.

11. So you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We
stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast). We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am", and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.

14. We don't do "hurry up" well.

15. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.

16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream (pronounced brim) and carp. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 85 goes two ways - Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.

18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some
pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want Cream of Wheat -- go to Kansas. That would be I-40 west.

19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove
season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.

20. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators - and if you hit it in the
rough, we have these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.

22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for
driving like an idiot -- his name is "Sir", no matter how young he is.

23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.

24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No
questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature -- all
four of them -- enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner.

25. No, we don't care how you do things up North. If it is so
great up there, why not visit a Northern state or stay there? And no, down here, we don't have an accent, you do.

I just got my new Lexus, and returned to the dealer the next day, Complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Watch This!" He said, "Nelson!

The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" He continued...and On The Road Again came from the speakers.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven!" I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles!" I'd get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new
car, but I swerved in time to avoid them I yelled "LOSERS!"

The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums And Bill Clinton on sax.. :lol:

At first, this video pissed me off because it looks like a bunch of punks, but about halfway through the video I started laughing. :lol:

http://www.hornblasters.com/video.php?pic=42

• (On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
  Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
  
  Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
  live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
  then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
  which is why I would not live forever,"
  
  --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love
to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and
death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey ````````````

• "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
  important part of your life,"
  
  --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
  Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````

• "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part
  of my body,"
  
  --Winston Bennett,
  University of Kentucky basketball forward.

```````````````````````````````````````````
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

• "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through
  our papers. We are the president."
  
  --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of
  subpoenaed documents.

``````````````````````````````````````````````````
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas.
````````````````````````````

• "Half this game is ninety percent mental."
  
  --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's
the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President

And . .

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that
may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP

• "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
  
  --Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much
clean air do we really need?"

--Lee Iacocca

• "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A
  genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -
  (Did he mean Albert ?)
  
  --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people."

--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

• "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
  
  --Bill Clinton, President

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come
from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery

• "Your food stamps will be stopped effective
  March 1992 because we received notice that
  you passed away. May God bless you. You may
  reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
  
  --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their
heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

• Feeling smarter yet? :lol: