Humor

Found this on another site.

Rules of Modern Law Enforcement

Narcotics units

Immediately grow facial hair, tell everybody you were ordered to.
Start watching every episode of Monster Garage.
Buy a biker wallet with a big chain.
Make every case involve overtime $$$.
Buy bunches of boats, RV's, and motorcycles with that overtime.
Learn to play golf drunk.

SWAT units

Wear team T-shirts, Oakley sunglasses and boots everyday.
Try to fit the word breach in to every conversation.
Have a mirror handy to check hair, if you have hair.
Never say hello to anyone who is not an operator, just practice your SWAT head nod.
Subscribe to Soldier of Fortune and Muscle and ! Fitness .
Learn to play golf wearing a gun.

Community Service units

Hate SWAT.
Work to make everybody love you.
Paint your office in pastel colors.
Think Feng Shui.
Subscribe to Psychology Today.
Learn to play miniature golf.

Traffic units

Write tickets to EVERYBODY.
Spend every weekend cleaning your bike and polishing boots.
Annoy everyone on the radio calling out your stops.
Talk about nothing but how many tickets you wrote in one day.
Ride by a building with big windows to see your reflection.
Golf is lame, motor rodeos are cool.



Administrative Units

Three-hour lunches everyday, tell everybody it's a meeting.
Upgrade department cell phone every month.
Tell everybody you are published in a national law enforcement magazine.
Update your revenge list on a weekly basis.
Golf Rules! Play lots of golf.

Patrol Units

Has nerves of steel.
In a terminal state of nausea from department politics.
Inability to keep mouth shut.
Has defining tastes in alcohol.
Is respected by peers.
Beats the crap out of his caddy on any bogeyed shot.



Detective Bureau

Solve no crime before it's overtime.
Learn to play golf while on duty.
Develop important leads for cases somewhere near home right after lunch.
See how far from city you can actually go to lunch without getting caught

Funny and true

Detective Bureau

Solve no crime before it's overtime.
Learn to play golf while on duty.
Develop important leads for cases somewhere near home right after lunch.
See how far from city you can actually go to lunch without getting caught

This is not true for our CID. They never develop leads.

Hey great attempt at humor...Glad to see everyone who posts on here is in Patrol..No wonder you can't get promoted...

[veteranrookie]

Top Ten Impossible Things To Say When You're Drunk

1. “I think it’s too soon for us to have sex.”
2. “No thanks barkeep, I’ve had enough already.”
3. “Good evening, officer. Isn’t it a lovely night?”
4. “You’re right.”
5. “I’d love to go home with you, but you’re just not that attractive.”
6. “No thanks. I don’t want any pizza.”
7. “I should probably just keep my mouth shut about it.”
8. “Z, Y, X, W, V, U, T . . . ”
9. “Let’s just talk it through. There’s no need for violence.”
10. “No, I don’t know why you pulled me over.”

[veteranrookie]

Top 10 Signs You Don’t Have What It Takes To Be A Cop

1 - You need at least 8 hours of sleep every night.

2 - Sirens give you a headache.

3 - You can’t drive really fast, check a license plate on your in-car computer, talk on the radio, and drink coffee, all at the same time.

4 - When you see trouble brewing, your first reaction is to call 911.

5 - When you get nervous, you have to pee, so you secretly wear adult diapers, just in case it’s going to be a busy night.

6 - You’re being called for back-up, but you don’t go because it’s too dangerous.

7 - At the scene of a riot, you refuse to get out of the car until the crowd thins out.

8 - A woman gives birth in the street and you give her a ticket for littering.

9 - You think frisking people and giving “mouth to mouth” to someone of your own gender is politically incorrect.

10 - You’re a bleeder and you faint at the sight of a papercut.

Hey team player,

If I worked in CID I could study for exams on duty too. As long as it did not get in the way of my two hour lunch.

[veteranrookie]

This joke cracked me up, I had to post it:

A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor."

"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."

The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.

That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:

Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.
Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better.

[veteranrookie]

Rectum Stretcher

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the
limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a
radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over,
walked up to the car and with that classic patronizing smirk we
all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the
cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum
stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my
way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my
whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands
in, and
then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a*shole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..." she
replied.

CID has a nasty little parasite. That parasite is called SET. The set teams likes to jump the gun, go do a bunch of video collection and then screw up the whole case without letting an investigator know that they are doing anything with the case. They only work on cases that have a quick and possible solution. But, if that is what the admin wants, I guess that is what they'll get. That is why CID can not get solid leads all the time. SET Operartives (HA, HA, give me a break) can do no wrong (and they get a ton of no files from the SAO).

Dear Mr. CID,
You are welcome for all your solved cases. We realize you like them handed to you on a gold platter. That is about as much as we (SET) can do for you. If you would like us to complete your prosecution report we might be able to arrange that. Since you have mentioned that cases are screwed up because of SET, put the money where your mouth is and give some examples. I know you must have much more time on the job, and must be more experienced...come on Mr. CID. Do you really think people should sit around and wait until all the evidence disappears (including suspects) before you actually do something with the case. Get over yourself.

shirley cid is skrewed up espisheally in their supervision. but they dont deserve the rap thay get because the detectives do a good job and do it write. set is a waist of men (?) and time and they wood be better off back in uniforme and a green and wite. set is a lot like the amdmin... ... ... lots of show but no real goe.

this won really aught to get some responsses.

SET, if run properly, can be a tremendous asset. D2 had a great thing working for a while. D1 picked up the ball and ran. D3 got in the game and the bad guys had no place to go. The collection of real-time intelligence is priceless. Some don't want to act swiftly upon that intelligence. Cautious can be good as well. I understand both sides of the arguement. One cannot grumble about what the SET "operatives" do. If you have a gripe, it must be with those that handle the operatives. Now if you'll excuse me I have trim my goatee.

Oh retnuh I know you are making comments now without having knowledge on the topic in which you respond. I took it upon myself as a CID Investigator to look at some of the district ones SET stats and you can not argue their sucess. They have some very respectable numbers. I get along just fine with the SET members and find it easy to find bad guys by utilizing them. Too bad some of my co workers aren't as easy to work with.

I understand both sides of the argument. CID's purpose is a slower investigation in order to obtain all solid information that will lead to a conviction from the state. SET's original purpose was as unmarked patrol. That role has changed in the last few years. I do believe that some of the work by SET in certain districts as lowered some of the crime. But, CID's role is different. They have a ton of paperwork and cases that have no solvability, but need some investigative work. CID can't be out looking for people all of the time, the paperwork needs to get done. Just as long as someone goes to jail.

SET and CID are different. Quit arguing about it.

crakl is just plain sexy!

nickname solver-
Who said I worked in CID? NIce try. I just hear things from various members who work in various bureaus about some of SET's "crime suppression." I always thought that civil rights were something we all were afforded, not just the good guys. That's how you end up in wearing orange.

As one "well deserving" captain puts it, "Keep up the lawful pressure."

I said you worked in CID and I am right on with that. Don't hate the player young man, hate the game. And when we keep winning the games, just quit trying to play with us. Know body likes losers.

wrong. I don't work in cid, I work in patrol. thanks. I have no desire to work in cid, too much time in the office.

Like I said before, both CID and SET have different missions. And, both have made mistakes. That comes with the job and learning how to become a good cop. I can name many time where both CID and SET have done some things that were "wrong." All the SET teams have made many good arrests and also have helped me with some of my investigations. I don't always agree with the way they go about doing things, but I can't change that. I like the guys that work there, even though they can't golf.

Also, one of D1's set guys is leaving. A good guy that works hard and makes some good arrests. He is pretty funny, too. I hate to see him go, as he was always willing to help.

Why is he leaving?

beecuse the grasss inthis case is greeeener on the otehr sid.

beecuse the grasss inthis case is greeeener on the otehr sid.

retnuh,

you do not have a clue what you are talking about. You are one of those people who just like to hear themselves talk...what a waste of everyone's time to read your posts.

OH YEA, let me finish your response "We need a new admin and Sheriff" wahhhhhh I need some vagasil!!!!

I agree, set and cid are different. set has more of a proactive role rather than a reactive role such is the case of cid. however, both are needed throughout the agency. who do you think gets that report after you take it. There are campbells everywhere and in every department, but we still need each other. remember it's us good guys against them.

[Paparazzi LEO]

Now thats funny. retnuh needs Vagisil prescribed by the Doctor :)

http://www.liv.ac.uk/researchintelligen ... ivacy2.jpg (http://www.liv.ac.uk/researchintelligence/issue20/images/privacy2.jpg)

I too need some Vegas...ill.

:lol:

all this haytred and personnel atacks and slamms on me. nun of you re-butted my points. you hav showed your rtrue colors agin. and you have illastrated my points reely well. thanks!

:lol:

RETNUH what are you asking then? You made a comment and are asking for us to...do what? You first state that SET is a waste of men. Then you say SET guys are like admin. all talk and no show. I think SET's numbers prove you are wrong, in fact I know they do. Look up SF, ML, JW stats in D-1. Look up JC and EN stats in D-3. Look up RT, CG, BT, MW stats in D-2. Some of the arrest are minor misdemeanor arrest, but the person arrested is a major player with the potential to cause havic. Don't forget the multiple burglary in progress arrest they have ALL made. We all know that those kind of arrest are made on a daily basis by the average patrol guy (NOT)...come on man, you darn well know that these stats don't lie. And for the person that will try and comment about the percent of people sucessfully prosecuted....the stats clearly show a higher percentage of nolo pros. cases for the average patrol person...which is expected because of the domestic violence cases and battery cases patrol guys are forced to act upon. Personally, my prosecution percentage sky rocketed since joining SET.

RETNUH...are there any more questions that I did not hit on? Oh yeah....Don Hunter has my vote in '08. Show me someone better, and articulate why they are better and I'll change my mind. To the Guest123456789, you are right on the money about the different motions of SET and CID. Without CID, SET would have a lower pros. percentage. Without SET, CID would have more open cases. Eventhough there are differences...often...the bottom line is the two departments are needed for continued sucess.

CID has a nasty little parasite. That parasite is called SET. The set teams likes to jump the gun, go do a bunch of video collection and then screw up the whole case without letting an investigator know that they are doing anything with the case. They only work on cases that have a quick and possible solution. But, if that is what the admin wants, I guess that is what they'll get. That is why CID can not get solid leads all the time. SET Operartives (HA, HA, give me a break) can do no wrong (and they get a ton of no files from the SAO).

There's my ID, I'm not going to hide behind some anon. screen name, man up and come talk to me. Your post couldn't be any more off base.

1306-You are a true warrior and always speak of the truth...whether we want it or not. You surely have made it easy for me to solve your nickname. I don't think your stats will ever be questioned, nor will your abilities to investigate a crime. You trained me in the gate when you worked there and I can personally atest to your experience and knowledge of law enforcement...and can attest to your abilty to call bullshit when someone speaks it.

1306-i miss u-call me....7-11

1306, You've got the fortitude that most people that post on this site will never have. emanresu certainly doesn't have the balls you have, nor the intellect obviously. He quotes a tire old untrue line. All one has to do is evaluate the number of SET arrests, the plea/conviction percentages, and the years of jail time; and they will see the success of SET. ALMOST all entities within the CCSO serve a very valid function. This certainly includes SET, CID, CIB, VNB, PATROL, etc... Why do people have to be so jealous that they make untrue statements that simply can not be supported with facts.

Emanresu, your number has been called. Do you have the guts to man up and identify yourself since you made the anonymous attack on SET, or are you going to continue to hide in the shadows and throw unsubstantiated barbs at SET.

Because I know the obvious response will be that I did not identify myself in this post, I will simply state that I haven't lodged any unprevoked attacks on anyone here. I'm merely responding to emanresu's attack.

Man up emanresu...

8/18/07, approx 2330hrs... 24C @ Circle K w/ handgun

Description given to units in the area... a suspect is located within the hour matching description... 100% ID by clerk/victim. Who located the suspect and possibly stopped further acts of violence by this criminal?

1306

I am honored to work by this and the many other "parasites" throughout the county on a weekly basis.

1306 shaves his legs...but he is still the man!

1306 and 2875 spoon at night.

1306 can't shoot and he is a sissy.

this is some of the funniest stuff i have read in a long time.

SET is full of parasites. SET gets under the skin of predator criminals and plagues them until they go to prison or move to Lee County.

set is better than cid.

I think we should put CID and SET together as one so more gets done. I think pairing a CID and SET guy for each shift would be the way to go. You could put people like LB and BC together.

put set and prb together. it would save time.

save time for ?

if set and cid worked together, we wouldn't have such a good time making fun of everyone. there would only be one unit to poke fun at.

you said "poke" and "unit" in the same sentence....hehehehehehehehe

[ReelsouthernLeo]

You could put SET and CID together but then all you would have is one crime fighter and one really tired, but well dressed right seat occupant respectively.

I think putting SET and PRB together makes more sense. The SET guys can chase and lawfully pressure the criminals, and the PRB ride-a-long wearing official referee jersey's can give on the spot rulings for statutory and policy violations.
If your are found in violation you are put in time out and sent to the corner for a cup.

Makes sense because prb is always watching the corner anyway...free cups bother them.

:P Now THAT was funny as hell. SET and PRB together for on the spot rulings. :P