press corps

05-15-2010, 01:01 AM

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Tallahassee, Florida - In an unprecedented study, the department has concluded that despite what you've been told, you really don't make a difference, and are not remotely integral to success.

"In our research, we found that you've been encouraged to believe that your hard work and contributions are substantial, and that you are a significant member of the team. But what we discovered is that in your particular case, there's no way," said Bill Romsby.

In the study, jointly conducted by the state and department, researchers interviewed your superiors and colleagues, and uncovered a variety of slogans meant to boost employees' sense of worth, such as "Our employees are our greatest asset," and, "Our value is in our employees."

"We're not necessarily saying these platitudes are all lies," said state economics professor Harold Bloom. "We're just saying they have nothing to do with you."

"That may seem sad," Bloom noted, "but it's actually rather funny because your situation is quite obvious to everyone else."

Romsby added that it's also ironic. "When you tell your boss he is doing a good job, you know you are lying, but when your boss tells you the same thing, you actually believe it. That's priceless."

Romsby cautions you, however, not to assume you are simply a meaningless number to your company. "No, that's not a fair comparison," he said, "because numbers are actually quite meaningful to your company. Unlike you."

Researchers concede the study may be difficult to accept — even though your colleagues insist it shouldn't really be a surprise — but suggest you begin by substituting the word meaningless for important whenever your boss or colleagues speak to you. For example: "Diane, this is a really meaningless project and I think you can make some meaningless contributions as a meaningless member of the team." Once you feel comfortable with that, Bloom added, substitute the word "crappy" for "meaningless," and you'll have a pretty good sense of where you stand.

In another finding, researchers also learned that contrary to your department's public relations claims, your department is not really "creating the future" or "improving people's lives." This, Romsby explained, is actually good news for you.

"By failing to make a difference at a place that also doesn't make a difference, at least you're not really hurting anybody," he said.

In other research findings:

¤ When your company says "Great companies are made by great employees," they aren't talking about you.

¤ When your company insists that "Each employee makes a special contribution," that's not you either, unless you consider having your head up your ass half the day as "special."

¤ When your company discusses its relatively low turnover rate, it wouldn't mind if it went up another point, if you catch our empirical drift.

¤ Your deep-seated fear of being revealed as a fraud who doesn't really deserve the job you have is unfounded. Everybody knows.

SatireWire.