Post your jokes here

[x8]

If you have a good joke that makes you laugh, then share it with us in this thread!!! :mrgreen:


A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?" "Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years." The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment."

And then asks, "Are you disabled in any way? The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K., I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.? The interviewer replies "This is a government job. For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls...no point in you coming in for that." :lol:

[x8]

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as military chaplains to a large number of service members. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him First Communion and Confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both leg in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the time praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start things out with the bear" :lol:

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?" "Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years." The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment."

And then asks, "Are you disabled in any way? The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K., I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.? The interviewer replies "This is a government job. For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls...no point in you coming in for that."
I happen to enjoy my first two hours at work thank you very much!! :shock:

I bet your co workers cal you stinky fingers! LOL! :lol:

Fridays in He11 :shock:

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!" :shock: :lol: :shock:

DUI quotes. I posted this here so everyone could enjoy them.

1. (This one was three nights ago): After informing a rather large individual that he was under arrest, he asked what he'd done wrong on the field tests. I told him I saw six clues on the HGN, and that he failed miserably on the Walk and Turn and One Leg Stand tests. He said, "Sir, I'm 6'7", I weigh 370 lbs. I am NOT a ballerina".

2. While doing the field tests, I gave the drunk instructions on the One Leg Stand. The drunk says, "Which foot should I lift up?". I told him I would let him decide. He stepped from one foot to the other, like he was testing which to use, then said, "I guess it doesn't matter... they're both about the same".

3. A very skanky dressed female drunk, standing at the Intoxilyzer & being given instructions in how to give a proper sample. I'm holding the breath tube, with the mouthpiece installed. She says, "So this is the opposite of what I normally do. I blow OUT, not suck IN, right?" Trying to hide a smirk, I tell her, "Yes, you must blow into the mouthpiece". She says, "Well, it's not like I'm a slut or anything, I'm just asking". She licks her lips, and tries to 'deepthroat' the entire mouthpiece and breath tube.

(She ended up being a refusal, because she kept playing games)

4. My zone partner and I responded to a rollover accident. We get to the scene, to find the car completely demolished, laying on it's roof. Judging by the debris trail, it had obviously rolled multiple times. We found the driver hanging upside down his seatbelt, seemingly unconscious. My partner stoops down at the driver's window, yelling, "HEY! Are you okay?!" The drunk snaps awake, staring straight forward. He turns his head, and is startled when he sees the officer. Real belligerent, he says, "Whaaa the f*ck are you stoppin' me for?! I wasn't speedin'!". :shock:

(He got a few extra lumps when he popped the seatbelt buckle. Gravity's a *****.)

7 kinds of sex

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".

The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife/Hubby any more. She/He takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

Don't forget the 7th kind of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!

A very ugly woman walks into Walmart with her two kids.

The Walmart Greeter asks, "Are they twins?"

The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they
really look alike?"

"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice.

This is for former military personnel:
The Importance of NCOs :lol:

Five cannibals were employed by the Marine Corps as scouts and translators during an island campaign. When the Sgt. Major welcomed the cannibals he said, "You're all part of our team now. We will compensate you well for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that our Marines are eating. But please don't indulge yourselves by eating our personnel."

The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the Sgt. Major returned and said, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our Staff Sergeants has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the Sgt. Major left, the leader of the cannibals turned to the others and said, "Which of you idiots ate the Staff Sergeant?"

A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Lieutenants, Captains, and Majors and no one noticed anything, then YOU had to go and eat an NCO!!!

A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains. He shows her many textures, prints and hues of pink fabrics. Once she has finally picked out a pink floral pattern, the salesman asked her "What sizes do you need?"

She replies "15 inches."

He exclaims "15 INCHES?! What room are they for?" She says, "I only need one, and it's not for a room. It's for my computer monitor."

The surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not
have curtains."

The blond says "HELLOOooooooo.... I've got Windows!"
I know for a fact that someone out there is saying, "I don't get it???!!!????" :shock: :lol:

This is the funniest gas-saving motorcycle I've ever seen in my entire life!!!! :lol:

Click here:
http://www.rvi.net/~mdhorban/hybridmotorcycle.htm

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, erased it and then proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board - each day's word written larger than the previous day's word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words:

"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!" :shock: :lol:

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere..... but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary "Some where I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" . So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

Red Skelton was great!

How real men cook BBQ:

It is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine:

1) The woman buys the food.

2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine.....

8.) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

[News Dud]

Check out why illegal immigrants are now applying to work for the U.S. Border Patrol. :roll:

click here (http://daybydaycartoon.com/Cartoons/05-16-2006.gif) :roll:

[News Dud]

So you want to get rid of illegal immigration??? America, you had better think twice about that!!! Click here (http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/content/pic3476.jpg) to find out why!!! :shock: :lol:

Down here in the south
If you are going to live or visit in the South, you need to know
these rules.

1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a "gravel road". No matter how slow you drive,
you're going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get out
of the way.

3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the
color don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent.

4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years
old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for -- bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making
their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.

8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

9. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is
sweet. You want it hot -- sit it in the sun. You want it
unsweetened -- add a lot of water.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and
served over ice.

11. So you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We
stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast). We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am", and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.

14. We don't do "hurry up" well.

15. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.

16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream (pronounced brim) and carp. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 85 goes two ways - Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.

18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some
pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want Cream of Wheat -- go to Kansas. That would be I-40 west.

19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove
season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.

20. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators - and if you hit it in the
rough, we have these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.

22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for
driving like an idiot -- his name is "Sir", no matter how young he is.

23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.

24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No
questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature -- all
four of them -- enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner.

25. No, we don't care how you do things up North. If it is so
great up there, why not visit a Northern state or stay there? And no, down here, we don't have an accent, you do.

I just got my new Lexus, and returned to the dealer the next day, Complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Watch This!" He said, "Nelson!

The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" He continued...and On The Road Again came from the speakers.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven!" I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles!" I'd get one of their awesome songs.

One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new
car, but I swerved in time to avoid them I yelled "LOSERS!"

The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Michael Moore, backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums And Bill Clinton on sax.. :lol:

At first, this video pissed me off because it looks like a bunch of punks, but about halfway through the video I started laughing. :lol:

http://www.hornblasters.com/video.php?pic=42

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love
to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and
death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey ```````````` "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life,"

--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign. ````````````````````````````````````````````````` "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part
of my body,"

--Winston Bennett,
University of Kentucky basketball forward.`````````````````````````````````````````` `
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC."I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through
our papers. We are the president."

--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of
subpoenaed documents. ``````````````````````````````````````````````````
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas.
```````````````````````````` "Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's
the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President

And . .

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that
may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

--Dan Quayle"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much
clean air do we really need?"

--Lee Iacocca "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A
genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -
(Did he mean Albert ?)

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst."We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people."

--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor."If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

--Bill Clinton, President "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come
from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery "Your food stamps will be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received notice that
you passed away. May God bless you. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their
heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman Feeling smarter yet? :lol:

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why, it was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed. :shock:

Police response to a burglary

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things..

He phoned the police, who asked "Are any of those people in your house" and he said no.

They said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply stay in his house, lock his doors and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up ......counted to 30.........and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you few seconds ago because there were people in my shed."

" Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all".

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence.

Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" :shock: :lol:

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse cathy asked "if there was anything wrong?"

"Yes Nurse Cathy," said Mr Goldstein, " My Private part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, " Oh I'm so srooy, Mr Goldstein, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse cathy.

"Mr Goldstein," she said, " You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that."

"But Nurse Cathy," replied Mr Goldstein, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."

Yes you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Cathy.

Well," he replied. " Today is the viewing."

An alternative to spanking your children :lol:

http://www.chooseyouritem.com/jokes/tough-love.html

This next one is for Catholics only!!! :lol:
On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D.C., Senator John Kerry's campaign manager visited the Cardinal of the Catholic Cathedral. He told the Cardinal that John Kerry would be attending the next day's sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Kerry to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Kerry a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No, I don't really like the man, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Kerry's views."

Kerry's manager then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Kerry as a saint. The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon.

As Kerry's manager promised, Senator Kerry appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated himself prominently at the edge of the main aisle. And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that Senator Kerry was present. Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the ongregation, "While Senator Kerry's presence is probably an honor to some, he is not my favorite person. Some of his views are contrary to those of the church, and he tends to flip-flop on many other views. John Kerry is a petty, self absorbed hypocrite, anal thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. John Kerry is a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief.John Kerry is the worst example of a Catholic I've ever personally witnessed. He turned on his buddies in Viet Nam. He wrote a book and portrayed himself in the best light when he was a traitor to his fellow servicemen. He has lied about his military record and had the gall to put
himself in for a medal (including the Silver Star with V, which does not exist). He married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. He also has a reputation for shirking his senatorial obligations both here, in Washington, and in Massachusetts. He simplyisn't to be trusted."

The Cardinal completed his view of Kerry with, "But, when compared to Senator Ted Kennedy, Senator Kerry is a saint."

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him,

"How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly ***** he's runnin' around with!"

So you want to get rid of illegal immigration??? America, you had better think twice about that!!! Click here (http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/content/pic3476.jpg) to find out why!!! :shock: :lol:

I think I could survive without Toxic He11

When I was a cop I told my wife if something happened I didn't want to be kept alive by some machine and depend on just fluids to live.

She got up, unplugged the TV and poured out all my beer.

Damn :cry:

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house.We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

"I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethyl here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next." :shock:

[News Dud]

How to hypnotize a man (http://www.vili.us/hypno.html) :shock:

An old italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad.A few days later he recieved a letter from his son.Dear Dad, Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. Thats where I buried the BODIES. Love VinnieAt 4a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apoligized to the old man and left. That same day the old man recieved another letter from his son.Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant tomatoes now. Thats the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Vinnie :lol: :mrgreen: :lol: :mrgreen: :lol:

Black Testicles?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit. Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up. And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't. She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for. I don't think she's coming back.

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "****tails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

This leads us to our thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2015 there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

:mrgreen:

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horse-shoe courts, some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw there were a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

FOUR RELIGIOUS TRUTHS

It is important for those of all faiths to recognize these Four Religious
Truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian World.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters or Liquor Stores!!!!

The History of the Middle Finger

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually hanged to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY! And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing!!

:mrgreen: (Couldn't find the appropriate smiley, this will have to do.)

THE FINAL INSPECTION

The deputy stood and faced God,
Which must always come to pass.
He hoped his shoes were shining,
Just as brightly as his brass.
"Step forward now, deputy,
How shall I deal with you?
Have you always turned the other cheek?
To My Church have you been true?"
The deputy squared his shoulders and said,
"No, Lord, I guess I ain't.
Because those of us who carry guns,
Can't always be a saint.
I've had to work most Sundays,
And at times my talk was tough.
And sometimes I've been violent,
Because the world is awfully rough.
But, I never took a penny,
That wasn't mine to keep...
Though I worked a lot of overtime,
When the bills got just too steep.
And I never passed a cry for help,
Though at times I shook with fear.
And sometimes, God, forgive me,
I've wept unmanly tears.
I know I don't deserve a place,
Among the people here.
They never wanted me around,
Except to calm their fears.
If you've a place for me here,
Lord, It needn't be so grand.
I never expected or had too much,
But if you don't, I'll understand.
There was a silence all around the throne,
Where the saints had often trod.
As the deputy waited quietly,
For the judgment of his God.
"Step forward now, you deputy,
You've borne your burdens well.
Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets,
You've done your time in Hell."

~Author Unknown~

AMEN!!

Lesson to be learned by sending the wrong email

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room,so he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!:lol:

SOUTHERNISMS: Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.

She fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

She's so stuck up she'd drown in a rainstorm. (nose up in the air and all)

It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.

My cow died last night, so I don't need your bull.

He's as country as cornflakes.

This is gooder'n grits.

If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.

I'm 'bout as........

Nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.Advice for Northerners moving to the South: Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.

Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

If you DO run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

The first Southern ___expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol', " as in "big ol' truck," or "big ol' boy." "Fixin' " (as in "I'm fixin' to go to the store") is 2nd, and "Y'all" is 3rd.

As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone directly in the middle of the road, remember: Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" get out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.

Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.

If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do.

Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.

One last warning but probably the most important one to remember: Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin' " is a valid defense

this fool made the mistake of appearing before a judge who actually served his country. to quote the great Homer 'Doh'
Semper lie: Fake veteran must wear sandwich board

By CHERY SABOL

A Whitefish man was sentenced Thursday to spend 50 hours wearing a sandwich board with the words, “I am a liar. I am not a Marine. I have never served my country.”

Chief U.S. District Judge Donald Molloy in Missoula also sentenced William Horvath to four months of house arrest for making a false statement.

Horvath, 36, was convicted of making a false statement — a felony.

According to court documents, in 2001 he told a probation officer that he served time in the U.S. Marine Corps. The probation officer was gathering information on Horvath on a prior charge of being a fugitive in possession of firearms or ammunition.

When the officer attempted to verify Horvath’s military service, the Marine Corps stated there was no record of him having served.

Horvath then presented evidence to the probation officer, including photographs and decorations. Representatives of the Marine Corps said Horvath’s uniform was worn improperly, decorations were improperly displayed, and equipment and uniforms in the photos did not fit with the era or were inconsistent with other items in the photos.

A veteran himself, Molloy ordered Horvath to perform 50 hours of community service by marching in front of the U.S. courthouse in Missoula during regular business hours. He must wear a sandwich board with large letters that will read, “I am a liar. I am not a Marine,” on the front. On the back will be: “I have never served my country. I have dishonored veterans of all wars.”

He must also write a letter of apology to the commandant of the Marine Corps, Veterans of Foreign Wars, and American Legion in Kalispell. Similar letters will go to the Missoulian and Daily Inter Lake newspapers, Molloy ordered. Horvath must admit in the letters that he lied repeatedly about serving and being wounded.

Horvath will be on probation for four years.

Molloy also fined Horvath $1,500.

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

I saw a good one on another site today:

"Fighting over the internet is like competing in the Special Olympics. Even if you win, you're still retarted."

(*with apologies to all.)

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you:
I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

Next!

Welefare

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...

"WOW," the social worker exclaims,"are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy."

All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is
introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"

Their Momma replied,! "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'

An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin.'

An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"Then I call them by their last names."

Driving While Old (DWO)

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.

I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take forty different medications that make me dizzy, winded and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But... Thank God I still have my Florida driver's license!!! :lol: :mrgreen:

1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.

2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.

3. Colt: The original point and click interface.

4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.

5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?

6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause
misspelled words.

7. "Free" men do not ask permission to bear arms.

8. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.

9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.

10. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All
Rights reserved.

11. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?

12. The Second Amendment is in place in case the
politicians ignore the others.

13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.

14. Guns only have two enemies: rust and politicians.

15. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns,
no peace, no safety.

16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.

17. 911 - government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.

18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.

19. Criminals love gun control -- it makes their jobs safer.

20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.

21. Only a government that is afraid of its
citizens tries to control them.

22. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.

23. Enforce the "gun control laws" we ALREADY
have, don't make more.

24. When you remove the people's right to bear
arms, you create slaves.

25. The American Revolution would never have
happened with gun control.

26. "A government of the people, by the people,
for the people..."

27. Only two types of people fear an armed, honest citizenry: Criminals and tyrants.

Only when I'm drunk!!! :lol:A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.

The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."

Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."

There was a farmer who had four daughters. He was in
a habit of worrying about his daughters and always answered
the door with a sawed-off shotgun.

Daughter #1
One night he hears a knock at the door and finds a young man
standing there. The young man says: "My name is Freddy. I've
come to pick up Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. I hope
she's ready." The farmer thought that was cute so he let
them go out.

Daughter #2
Pretty soon another knock on the door and another young man
was there. He said: "My name is Lance. I've come for Nance.
We're going to a dance. Is she ready by chance?" Again the
farmer thought it was cute and let them go.

Daughter #3
Soon another knock on the door with yet another young man
standing there. He said: "My name is Moe. I'm here to get Flo.
We're going to a show. Is she ready to go?" Once again the
farmer thought it was cute and he let them go.

Daughter #4
Again there was a knock on the door and a young man was
standing there. He said: "My name is Chuck..."

The farmer shot him. :lol:

Since retirement my wife and I have had to cut back on a few things.

Last night we were going over the budget and she told me I would have to cut out all my beer from our weekly spending.

I noticed a charge for 65 bucks for make up. I ask my wife why I had to cut out my beer and she still spent so much on make up. She said it was so she could look pretty for me. I told her that is what the beer is for.

The doctor says the concusion is minor and I can get the stiches out of my head next week.

Damn. I guess that was the wrong thing to say

(a medical joke with a known condtion and adjectives that describe it)
A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were loose and flapping(medical condition). Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"! The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself". The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago. "And what about the third rose"? she asked. "Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

Southern Football VS. Northern Football

Women's Accessories:
NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of Captain Morgan/Crown. Money is not necessary - that's what dates are for.

Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.

Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.

Cheerleaders:
NORTH: If you are slightly coordinated, you make the varsity squad.
SOUTH: You begin cheer camp at age two, complete with ballet, dance, & gymnastic training.

Getting Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and purchase tickets.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus & put name on the waiting list.

Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few hung-over students that might actually make it to class.

Parking:
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.

Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north.

Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who comes over during breaks and asks for a hit off bottle of bourbon.

Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third largest city.

Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than halfway with soda, to ensure enough room for Captain Morgan/Crown.

When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.

The Smell in the Air after the First Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of Captain Morgan/Crown.

Commentary (Male):
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: D@mmit, you slow sum***** - tackle him and break his legs!

Commentary (Female):
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: D@mmit, you slow sum***** - tackle him and break his legs!

Announcers:
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.

After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon; planning begins for next week's game.

How are an officer and a vibrator alike?

[Vulgarian]

Might as well be me....go ahead, tell us!

Well?

Twas the night before Payback and all through the land,
The Taliban are running like rabbits in Afghanistan.
Osama's been praying, he's down on his knees,
He's hoping that Allah will hear all his pleas.

He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and shatter,
But all that he's done is just make us madder.
We haven't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,
And we'll kick your ass, with one heavy boot.

And yes we remember the USS Cole,
And the lives of our sailors that you cowards stole.
You think you can rule us and cause us to fear,
You'll soon get the answer if you live to hear.

And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam,
And he ain't forgotten the sound of our bombs.
You think that those mountains are somewhere to hide,
They'll go down in history as the place where you died.

Remember Khadhafi and his line of death?
He came very close, to his final breath.
So come out and prove it, that you are a man,
Cause our boys are coming and they have a plan.

They are our Fathers and they are our Sons,
And they sure do carry some mighty big Guns.
They would have stayed home, with Children and Wives,
Till you cowards came here and took all these Lives.

Osama I wrote this especially for you,
For air mail delivery by B-52.
You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle,
Old Glory is coming, attached to a missile.

I won't be sorry to see your cowardly ass go,
It's Red, White, and Blue that's running this show!
(unknown)

I know this thread is for jokes -- and this isn't a joke -- but it's such a tear jerker that I just have to share it:
Mrs. Miller was bagging some early potatoes for me. I noticed a smallboy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily appraising a basket of freshly picked green peas. I paid for my potatoes, but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering thepeas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller and the ragged boy next to me."Hello Barry, how are you today?" "H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. Sure look good." "They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?" "Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time." "Good. Anything I can help you with?""No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas." "Would you like to take some home?" "No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with." "Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?" "All I got's my prize marble here." "Is that right? Let me see it." "Here 'tis. She's a dandy." "I can see that. Hmmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?" "Not zackley. but almost." "Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble." "Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller. "Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me. Witha smile she said, "There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever. When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, perhaps.

"I left the stand smiling to myself, impressed with this man. A short time later I moved to Colorado, but I never forgot the story ofthis man, the boys, and their bartering. Several years went by, each more rapid than the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died. They were having his viewing that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them.

Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could. Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniformand the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts...all very professional looking. They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband's casket. Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket. One by one, each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm handover the cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.

Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and mentioned the story she had told me about the marbles. With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket. "Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about. They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim "traded" them. Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size....they came to pay their debt." "We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world," she confided, "but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho." With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.

What would our lives be like or where would we be if it wasn't for all of the Mr. Millers in the world. :?:

The Gay flight attendant :shock:

My flight was being served by an obviously "gay" flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied without missing a beat, "Well, sweet- cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, *****. :snicker:

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

a 3-year-old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh-oh", it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4 year old boy.

Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on: plastic toys do not like ovens.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

It will, however, make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

80% of men who read this will try mixing Clorox and brake fluid.

Rednecks & Budweiser

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?", asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asked, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No SIR," Earl replied, "we're on the patch."

[Vulgarian]

A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop.
After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didn't stop, he just slowed down a little.
The gentleman said 'Stop or slow down, what's the difference?'.
The cop pulled the guy out of the car and worked him over for about a minute and then said, 'Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?'

The doctor asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The woman replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The doctor's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'd lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! No! You cannot have any cyanide!"

The woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the doctor's wife.

The doctor looked at the picture and said, "Well, now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding, and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

Fidel Castro dies and goes to heaven?

Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself right at home.
Then, Fidel notices that he accidentally left his luggage back in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay problema. I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."

When the little devils get to heaven, they find the gates are locked - St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should climb over the wall and get the luggage.

As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "My goodness! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees." :lol:

How do you spell ugly?

... she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.

... when she throws a Bumerang it doesn't come back!

... she had to be fed with a slingshot when she was little.

... they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.

... when she joined an ugly contest, they said, "Sorry, No Professionals."

... even the elephant man paid to see her.

... if she were a scarecrow, the corn would run away.

... just after she was born, her mama said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yeah, let's go bury it."

... Rice Krispies won't even talk to her.

Bill Balkwill,,,,,,,,,

HA HA HA HA


Biggest joke around!!!!!

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, ... As in: "Going to town, be back directly."

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar"

Is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold tater salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large nanner puddin!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a
redneck, a good ol' boy, and Po white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, .... And when we're
"in line," .... We talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

In the South, y'all is singular, .... All y'all is plural.

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are
perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart" ....
And go your own way.

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... Bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."

We're going to Mexico!!!! (http://media.americancomedynetwork.com/FILES/MexTourism.swf) (joke) :snicker:

Ordination for priests :shock:

Ten candidates for the priesthood are taking their last test to see if they can control their urges. The 10 of them line up next to eachother and they're all naked. A bell is tied to the penis of each of them and then a naked woman comes into the room. She dances in front of the first priest and the bell on his penis remains silent. Then she moves on to the second priest and the bell is silent... and the third... and on up to the 9th -- and they all have passed the test so far. Then she dances naked in front of the 10th priest and the bell starts to jingle so loudly that it flies off his penis and onto the floor... and when the bends over to pick it up, the other 9 bells start to ring. :lol:

A little humor :snicker:

Rank Recognition Made Easy

Sheriff:
Faster than a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a locomotive.
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Walks on water.
Lunches with God, but must pick up tab.

Chief Deputy:
Almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline.
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks to God.

Major:
Faster than an energetically thrown rock.
Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet.
Leaps short buildings with a running start in favorable winds.
Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present.
May be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least three working days in advance.

Captain:
Can fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy.
Loses tug-of-war against anything mechanical.
Makes impressively high marks when trying to leap tall buildings.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God, in passing.

Lieutenant:
Can sometimes handle firearm without shooting self.
Is run over by trains.
Barely clears outhouse.
Dog paddles.
Mumbles to self.

Detective:
Is dangerous to self and comrades if armed and unsupervised.
Recognizes trains two out of three times.
Runs into tall buildings.
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of life jacket and water wings.
Talks to walls.

Patrol Deputy:
Can be trusted with either gun or ammunition but never both.
Must have train ticket pinned to jacket and mittens tied to sleeves.
Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter tall buildings.
Plays in Mud puddles.
Stutters.

Police Recruit:
Under no circumstances to be issued with gun or ammunition, and must even be closely supervised when handling sharp pieces of paper - staples are right out.
Says: "Look at choo choo!"
Not allowed inside buildings of any size.
Makes good boat anchor.
Mere existence makes God shudder.

Sergeant:
Catches hyper sonic armour piercing fin stabilized discarding sabot depleted uranium long rod penetrators in his teeth and eats them.
Kicks bullet trains off their tracks.
Uproots tall buildings and walk under them.
Freezes water with a single glance; parts it with trifling gesture.

Is God. :mrgreen:

A mother and her very young son were on a Southwest Airlines flight. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So, the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant. The flight attendant (who was very busy at the time) smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"

"Yes, she did." said the boy.

"Well, then you go and tell your mother that we have no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."

An Englishman is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??"

Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England." says the Frenchman with a smirk on his face.

The Englishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"

Englishman: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England."

After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

Englishman: "We don't. In England, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France."

Two families moved from Saudi Arabia to the USA. When they arrived the
two fathers made a $10,000 bet.........in a year's time whichever family
had become more American would win.

A year later they met again. The first man said, "My son is playing
baseball, I had McDonalds for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a
case of Bud.

How about you?"

The second man replied, "F**k you, towel head."

TEN REASONS WHY SOME MEN PREFER HANDGUNS OVER WOMEN

#10 You can trade an old 44 for a couple of new 22's.

#9 You can keep one handgun at home, and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for a back up.

#6 Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 Handguns function normally every day of the month.

#3 A handgun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman!

Drum roll, please...................

#1 You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

For the ladies! :snicker:

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

Fear flashes across her face. "What's wrong with my baby?"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

Confusion clouds her expression. "A hermaphrodite... what's that?"

"Well, it means your baby has the...er... features... of a male and a female."

The woman turned pale. "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis... AND a brain?"

Watch how this person deals with a telemarketer:

http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/ :lol:

If it didn't make you laugh, then contact an undertaker. :snicker:

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole ?

Here are the testimonials of a few people who did...

*I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word.

He knew better.

*I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just ! KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!

While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off", No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers.

Everyone who has ever bought a house will enjoy this.

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client who lost his house in Hurricane Katrina and wanted to rebuild. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to the parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:

(Actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, We note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you prepared the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

(Actual Letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella.

The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA.

I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?"

nice one

If you ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this police officer. A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir....with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with the entire court complex and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

You might be a Floridian if....

"Down South" means Key West.

"Panhandling" means going to Pensacola.

You think no one over 70 should be allowed to drive.

Flip-flops are everyday wear.

Shoes are for business meetings and church.

No, wait, flip flops are good for church too.

Socks are only for bowling.

Orange juice from concentrate makes you vomit.

Sweet tea can be served at any meal.

An alligator once walked through your neighborhood.

You smirk when a game show's "Grand Prize" is a trip to Florida.

You measure distance in minutes.

You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.

You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.

You never use an umbrella because you know the rain will be over in five minutes.

All the local festivals are named after a fruit.

A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.

A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade.

Your winter coat is made of denim.

You can tell the difference between fire ant bites and mosquito bites.

You're younger than 30 but some of your friends are over 65.

You know the four seasons really are: almost summer, summer, not summer but really hot, and Christmas.

It's not "pop." It's "soda."

Anything under 70 is chilly.

You've hosted a hurricane party.

You go to a theme park for an afternoon, and know when to get on the best rides.

You pass on the right and honk at the elderly.

You understand the futility of exterminating ****roaches.

You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee, Withlacoochee, Okahumpka and Loxahatchee.

You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat than have a boat yourself.

You've driven through Yeehaw Junction.

Bumper stickers on the pickup in front of you include various fish, the NRA and a confederate flag.

You were 8 before you realized they made houses without pools.

You were 12 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.

You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas.

You know what the "stingray shuffle" is and why it's important!

You could swim before you could read.

You have to drive north to get to The South.

Oh man those are so true! I've never felt more like a Floridian than I do after reading those. :lol:

Here's a story about three clergy: a Rabbi, a Baptist minister, and a Luthern clergy.

All three are on a walk in the forest and come across a wonderful pond wiht crystal clear water. Having built up a sweat from there exercise they decide to remove their clerical garments and have a refreshing swim in the nude. After swimming for a while the three exit the pond to find their garments have been stolen. While pondering their situation they are surprised by the sounds of encroaching young ladies. The Rabbi and Luthern clergy immediately cover their genitals with their hands, the Baptist minister covered his face. After the young ladies exited in haste the Rabbi and the Luthern clergy asked the Baptist minister why he had not covered his genitals. The reply was simply, "my flock would not recognize my genitals." :snicker:

Attorney joke:

A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: That the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The Lawyer sued and won!

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

On another note:

Concerning the story about the lawyer & his cigars - recently in a bar, where a lively discussion was going on, one man shouted out -

"All lawyers are ass-holes!".....with that a fellow at the far end of the bar yelled back - "Sir, I resent that!".

The originator of the initial comment yelled back - "Sorry, Are you an Attorney?" To which the other guy said - "No......I.m an Ass-hole!".

Top 10 police combacks:

1. Hey John, get out of the cruiser and come over here to say "Thank You." We just stopped the guy who pays OUR salary!!!

2. Yeah, I do have bank robbers to catch, but that might be dangerous, so I'm going to play it safe and write you this ticket.

3. Hurry it up? Sure, I'll just go back to the cruiser and write the citation. Do you have food and water in the car? This shouldn't take more than six hours.

4. Do you know why I stopped you, or do you THINK like you Drive?

5. What do you mean I won't believe you? Just because you've got three kilos of smack and two bodies in the trunk doesn't mean there isn't a perfectly reasonable explanation.

6. No, you've got that WRONG. I'm even TOUGHER without the badge and gun.

7. Of course you didn't DO it. You just happened to start your wind sprints in front of the department store, the VCR is extra weight, and the security guards were providing MOTIVATION.

8. She STARTED it? That's the best you can do? My four-year-old does better than that when I ask why his sister is crying.

9. I'm sorry ma'am, but with the unlicensed gun in your purse plus the DUI, you ARE a real criminal.

10. HAVE A NICE DAY.

You may think you're really smart, but I dare you to take this test! ;)
Test for Dementia and other memory stuff

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?











Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.



2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?








Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't
Attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.






3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?








Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why are you still reading these???
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.






4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet overGermany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, TWO engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors?East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land"?








Answer: You don't bury survivors.






If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.




5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from LondontoMilford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus; InReading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. InSwindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?











Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!




Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!



Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.


Top

Check out the video where Grandma's packing a gun now! :snicker:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=llqJsQZHRio

The 5 Scariest Sayings in the SSO:

1. A recruit saying, "I learned this in training..."
2. A deputy saying, "Trust me, sir..."
3. A sergeant saying, "Based on my experience..."
4. A lieutenant saying, "I was just thinking..."
5. And an old timer chuckling, "Watch this sh1t..."

Why do women live longer than men?
http://www.savage-productions.com/interestingfacts.html

8)

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM
machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their
vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have
been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

**********************************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with
the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its
excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the
slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

[News Dud]

Its your move, Captain!!! :snicker: (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-LF00upTfM)

Ohhhhhhhh this is unbelievable!!!!
0:58 Show Profile Reply with Quote
Traffic cop vs. VIOLATOR!

A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer. The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride.

The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature.

The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an *sshole!"

Three months later they are in court. The "Violator" has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"

The Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.

Attorney: "Officer , is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?

Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH , underlined."

Attorney: "What does the AH stand for, officer?"

Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile, Sir"

Attorney: "Aggressive and hostile?"

Officer: "Yes Sir."

Attorney: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for *sshole?"

Officer: "Well Sir, you know your client better than I do!"

Give a dead marriage its proper, final resting place. The Wedding Ring Coffin is the perfect gift for yourself or a loved one for bringing closure after a divorce. (http://weddingringcoffin.com/) :eek:

Always wear underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

[News Dud]

This just in: Home Depot warning!!!!

If I didn't put this in the right place could a Mod please move it?

A "heads up" for any of you guys who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month several people I know have become victims
if a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19 -year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts putting her hands all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen July 5th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th and once on the 23rd. :snicker:

I bet David Letterman's life will be miserable after Fat Al & Jesse see this! :snicker:

David Letterman's top 10 reasons why blacks can't be in NASCAR:#10 - Have to sit upright while driving.

# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.

# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.

# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.

# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Jr.

# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.

# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.

# 3 - Cadillac not approved for competition.

# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T
BE IN NASCAR...

#1 - They can't wear their helmets sideways!

I bet David Letterman's life will be miserable after Fat Al & Jesse see this! :snicker:

David Letterman's top 10 reasons why blacks can't be in NASCAR:#10 - Have to sit upright while driving.

# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.

# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.

# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.

# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Jr.

# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.

# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.

# 3 - Cadillac not approved for competition.

# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T
BE IN NASCAR...

#1 - They can't wear their helmets sideways!

Check out this hilarious video on crime scene investigations (http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=16478400) --- but make sure your girlfriend isn't x12! :snicker:

At least Ms. South Carolina is pretty -- because she sure ain't smart!!!!

http://boortz.com/more/video/2007_teen_usa_blonde.html :roll:

I'd rather heard screeching on a chalkboard then hear her talk! :shock:

The History of the Middle Finger ,,,

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing. 8)

Warning: Do NOT leave your computer on all night long!!! This (http://www.xs4all.nl/~jvdkuyp/flash/see.htm) is what happens when you do!!! :?

Achmed the Dead Terrorist:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go

Don't mess with old people!!!! :snicker:

George Phillips of was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.

Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Honk if you love Jesus! :)

Dear Grand-daughter:

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a Thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed. I was Stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought About the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the Light Had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he Hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, And then he leaned out of his window and screamed, For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO! What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started Waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a Few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there Because I heard him Yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger Stuck p in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat What that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or Something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window And gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that They got out of their cars and started walking Towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is When I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on Through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got Through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of Sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma

Political humor! :snicker:

A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks."

A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, send her to Washington where she could become our President, and then half the country will be out looking for work."

Question :
What is the truest definition
of Globalization ?



Answer : Princess Diana's death.



Question :
How come?




Answer :

An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French tunnel,

driving a German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian
who was drunk

on Scottish whisky,

(check the bottle before you
change the spelling),

followed closely by

Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor,

using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by

an Austrian,

using Bill Gates's technology,

and you're probably reading
this on your computer,

that uses Taiwanese chips,

and a Korean monitor,

assembled by

Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
.
.
.
.
.

That, my friends,
is Globalization

Mole Family
A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all live together
in a little mole hole.


One day, papa mole sticks
his head
out of the hole, sniffs the air
and said,
"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"


The mama mole sticks her head
out of the hole,
sniffs the air and said,
"Oh, Yum! I smell honey!"


Now baby mole is trying
to stick his head
out of the hole to sniff the air,
but can't
because the bigger moles
are in the way.
This makes him whine,
"Geez, all I can smell is....







MOLASSES!

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossi ble to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, 'My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

One is Evil.
It is anger, envy, jealousy, hatred, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good.
It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence,
empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.'

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, 'Which wolf wins?'



The old Cherokee simply replied, 'The one you feed.'

[News Dud]

Coming home drunk: here (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YyqEjatCSe0&eurl=http://glocktalk.com/forums/showthread.php?t=823453) :snicker:

On a hot summer day, a redneck came into town with his dog. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.
About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The redneck said that it was his.
The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."
The redneck replies, "No way dog's in heat. She's cool kawse I got 'er tied unner the shade tree."
The policeman says, "No! You don't understand your dog needs to be bred.
"No way," the redneck says, "dog don't need bread, she ain't hongry, kawse I fed 'ER beef jerky this mornin'."
Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!"
The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says, "Go 'head. I always wanted a police dog!"

why did the chicken cross the road?

5 Levels of Hangovers



One Star Hangover (*)


No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively


well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still


feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.








Two Star Hangover (**)


No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you


have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is


only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity


pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite


havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.








Three Star Hangover (***)


Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.

Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the


flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life


would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy


reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet


Coke--yet you haven't peed once.








Four Star Hangover (****)


Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else


you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and


has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but


that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the


ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper


cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your ass


is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five ****s you take during


the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.








Five Star Hangover (*****)


You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the


employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every


pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the


corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants


of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so


your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell


the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to


take a dump results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with


a rare 'Floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be


to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good


about right now...

Four Great Religious Truths

During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

"THE BROTHERHOOD"

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven God went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him. He inquired of God, "Where were you?"

God breathed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look son, look what I'm making!"

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and asked, "What are they?"

God replied, "It's a special person, but I'm putting respect for Life into them. I've named them FireFighters and there's going to be a balance between everything They do.

For example, there's Career and Volunteers. Career is going to be paid and stay at their stations for hours and hours till replacements come, and Volunteers will be wakened in the middle of the night to perform a job few others want or can do.But paid or volunteer you can see the thin red line that joins them. Now look over here I've put a contingent of Medics and EMT's in the line to watch their backs and treat any injuries that occur while they fight the Beast"

Then the Archangel asked, "What are those red dots there?"

"Ahhh… those are the Academies," God said, "those are very special places! They are going to be the most prestigous spots on Earth; beautiful monuments, lakes, rivers, streams and wonderfully large tall buildings, anything they need to train for any scenario. The people here are going to be great teachers, traveling the world to train any that find the special spark in them that want to learn to be Firefighters. They'll be Black and White, Red and Yellow, Male and Female, all races and sexes.

Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration, then seemingly startled, he said, "Hold on a second, what about BALANCE? You said there was going to be balance?"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the donut eating wankers I'm putting in the stations next door to them!"

"THE BROTHERHOOD"

Adapted by Chris Davis Placedo VFD
August 29, 2007

You know it's almost spring when women start showing their bellybuttons:
http://i35.photobucket.com/albums/d160/ ... ngtime.jpg (http://i35.photobucket.com/albums/d160/njpd/springtime.jpg) :mrgreen:

The train was packed, and the U. S. Marine Walked the entire length looking for a seat, but a well-dressed, Middle-aged, French woman's poodle took the Only seat remaining. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was Under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little Dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American In his place !"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your vehicles on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong ***** out the window."

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.

'Actually, yes, I do.'

'Does it hurt you?' he asked.

'No and I really like it.'

'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'

The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'


'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think liberals come from.'

What do you catch when you go deep sea fishing in Miami?


A Cuban!!!!

15 reasons to drink at D1 headquarters:

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It leads to more honest communications.

3. It reduces complaints about low pay.

4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.

5. It encourages car-pooling.

6. Increases job satisfaction, because if you had a bad job, you don't care.

7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather be at work.

8. It makes fellow employees look better.

9. It makes the cafeteria jail food taste better.

10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are blitzed.

11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

WORLD WAR III IN THE PLANNING STAGES

President Bush and VP Cheney are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and
Asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush and Cheney sitting over there?'

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'

So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are? You guys doing in here?'

Bush says, 'We're planning World War III.'
The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Bush says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslim Extremists and one blond with big t-i-t-s.'

The guy exclaimed, 'A Blond with big t-i-t-s??
Why kill a blond with big t-i-t-s?'?

Bush turns to Cheney and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslim Extremists."

Stop the wedding!!!! (http://s170.photobucket.com/albums/u252/Feuerbach56/?action=view&current=A_GOOD_REASON_TO_PUT_OFF_THE_WEDDIN.flv) :shock:

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night'

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.

Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15-lb. weapon in his hand, having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is shit."

An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from a plane and jogged 18 miles, says with a smile, "This is good shit."

A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp, and running 25 miles at night past enemy positions, says with a grin, "This is really great shit."

A Marine Force Recon, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65-pound pack on his back and weapons in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to shore, killing several alligators
to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this shit."

An Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned, carpeted office in front of his computer and says, "My e-mail is out? What kind of shit is this?"

I LOVE MY JOB

This is even funnier when you realize it's real!

Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana

He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.



Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have adiesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my b u t t started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt..

Repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job.'

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself is this a jellyfish day?

Only click here if you hate telemarketers (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=un_PjRXV5l8) :snicker: :devil:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:


BUMP...



BUMP...



BUMP...




Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.



BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...





Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.




FASTER...



FASTER...




BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP....



He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.


clappity-BUMP...



clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


on his heels, as the terrified man runs.



Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.









Bumping and clapping toward him.





The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...


and,





(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)






The coffin stops